Imposter

Imagine, you are an alien from another planet. You are stranded on this foreign land and you need to survive. What’s the best strategy? Blending in. The minute you stand out, it’s over. They will want to know why you are different. Once they know, your life is over. You become hyper-vigilant watching people’s reactions. No response, is worse than a negative response. At least with a negative response, you know to stop what you are doing and reassess what your next move will be. Positive reaction? well, you’re golden.

That’s been my life as far back as I can remember. Whether it was my cousins and brother or classmates at school, I learned early on, that survival = blending in. It was second nature, like breathing. The one response I could never (and still can’t) interpret is the no response. It makes me so nervous. And like a broken record, the words or actions in question replay over and over and over in my mind. I can’t stop the tornado swirling in my head.

It happened to me last week. I wrote a post that made me a little vulnerable on Facebook. I got a couple of comments and a small handful of likes. But for hours, there was no reaction. I could NOT get it out of my head. There was so much I needed to do to tend to my family, I just deleted it.

Later, I reflected on why it could’ve bothered me so much. Memories of watching people’s reactions came flooding to my mind. The anxiety that I constantly lived in when people didn’t respond, was often consuming. I realized that I was never truly free to be me. It seems so cliche.

I want to be free. I want to be me, without apology. I want to be content if not everyone likes, loves, or approves of me. I want to live as if my life depends only on being the me God made me to be.

So, today. February 18th, 2020, guess what world? I am a Christian, Autistic, home school mom, to five amazing miracles. I am awkward, sometimes funny, strange, and quirky. But, I am also, lovable if you just try to see things the way I see them, through binoculars.

One thought on “Imposter

  1. Rita Butler

    So, I think most of us have experienced a tad of what you went through growing up. However, what you experience was way more exaggerated. Good job expressing yourself, Jen.

    Like

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